The Reason
by insufficientemotionalfunds
Summary: Remus returns to headquarters from the fight at the Ministry with one thought: 'It should have been me....' and Tonks has to make him realize that he still has a reason to go on.
1. The Reason

SPOILER: DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU'VE FINISHED OotP! I /DO NOT/ WANT TO GET FLAMED BECAUSE I GAVE AWAY THE ENDING!!  
  
Disclaimer: No. . .I don't own Harry Potter. After all of the world-wide mayhem concerning it, I'd think you'd know that.  
  
Author's Note: Just a little thing I wrote after I finished sobbing hysterically. See, the one thing that always bugged me about the books is Sirius and Remus's relationship. . .JK always made them look like they were just acquaintances, instead of the near brothers I've always considered them to be. . .so I just had to write about how I think Remus was feeling. It's probably how I would react if I lost one of my best friends.  
  
~*~*~*~ The Reason ~*~*~*~   
  
'Sirius. . .it just /had/ to be Sirius. . . .'  
  
Remus Lupin stared blankly at the wall in front of him, watching, but not truly seeing as shadows caused by the kitchen fire flickered across the smooth stone.  
  
He had been sitting alone in the basement kitchen of the Black household for hours, snow-white knuckles clutched tightly around a mug of now cold coffee, using it more as a stress release than a drink.  
  
Every once and awhile, soft footsteps or the clunk of a wooden leg would descend the stairs, Tonks or Moody--sometimes both--coming down to check on him, staring at his stiff back from the shadowed doorway. Several minutes ago, the werewolf's enhanced hearing had picked up Tonks saying, "He's been down there since we got back. I mean, I feel horrible about Sirius too, but--"  
  
And Moody had cut her off with a growl of, "The one thing you never knew about Black and Lupin is that they didn't just suddenly meet here, like you did them. They were close friends at Hogwarts, brothers, even. . . ."  
  
And after that, Remus had stopped listening, clutching his mug even more tightly so that a fine crack appeared in the near flawless porcelain, and staring even harder at the wall shadows trying to close out the voices behind him.   
  
Yes, Sirius. Sirius, his friend, best friend, his /brother/ had just died before his very eyes. Sirius. . .the immature, arrogant, careless, happy, mischievous young Marauder turned responsible, haunted, powerful (and still a bit arrogant) Sirius of several days ago. The Sirius who had refused to stay behind, the Sirius whom had just given his life to protect that of his godson's less than five hours ago.  
  
And he, Remus Lupin, had been able to do nothing but stand, frozen to his spot, in horror and watch.  
  
He had even been planning how to reprimand Sirius for being so foolish and unconscious about what he was doing as he dueled with Bellatrix Lestrange. Been ready to scold him for being careless and cocky. . .when he had turned just barely and seen his closest friend. . .one of the three people in the world he had considered his family. . .get hit in the chest with a curse and stumble back, still grinning idiotically with just the barest hint of shock and terror in his eyes, through the veil hanging from the archway.  
  
Remus had wanted to scream, cry, and avenge him all at once. But all he could do was stand there, staring at where Sirius had disappeared, mouthing wordlessly, the words 'he's gone!' shrieking madly through his mind.  
  
And then Harry. . .Harry had done enough screaming, crying and attempted avenging for the both of them. And Remus was forced to contain his would-be godson (had it not been for the slight detail of him being a werewolf and it against the law, he and Sirius would have /both/ been the boy's guradians) from getting himself killed by the same woman who had just mercilessly murdered her own cousin.  
  
'It should have been me.' he thought bitterly, his face contorting into a venomous scowl. 'Sirius was needed. . .he had a purpose, Harry needed him, and I'm just here. . .worthless, a dark, dangerous creature who is trying to convince himself that he's otherwise by helping the Order.'   
  
He slammed his fist viciously down on the table, tears finally stinging in his eyes as it donned on him completely. . .all of his friends were dead. He as the only one left. . . .  
  
Finally, after several minutes of silent tears streaming down his face, the dormant wolf inside Remus struggled to the surface, and with a howl of rage and agony, he sprang to his feet, overturning the table in the process and sending it crashing to the floor before storming across the room to pick up and fling glass after glass to shatter on the wall opposite.  
  
"It should have been me, damnit!" he yelled furiously, raking his arm across the counter and pushing everything there to either shatter with a glorious crash or bounce away unharmed. "It should have always been me! Lily and James! I should have been in their place! Sirius! It should have been me!"  
  
The drawer of silverware went flying as Remus wrenched it from the cabinet, flinging it across the room with another howl. "What use am I to anyone? The werewolf! I can't do anything! What use am I to Harry?! I can't take care of /him/!"  
  
He didn't even care now that Tonks had flown back down the stairs and was standing aghast in the door, watching him tear the room to shambles.  
  
Finally, after giving the wooden chair he'd been sitting on a good heave across the room to splinter against the pantry door, Remus fell to his knees on the floor, not caring as the strewn glass particles cut painfully into the flesh of his legs and palms as he rested his hands on the floor, tears streaming down his livid face.  
  
"Remus. . .?"  
  
"Go /away/ Tonks!" he snarled viciously, glaring daggers at the young Auror.   
  
"Remus, you can't let this kind of thing just sit." Tonks said, tears shinning in her currently hazel eyes.  
  
"You have no idea what I'm going through! Don't tell me what I can and can't do!" Remus roared, but his voice cracked as his cheeks grew ever damper with terrified, sorrowful tears.  
  
She took a tentative step forward and placed a gentle hand on her comrade's trembling shoulder. "I know that you just lost someone very dear to you. . .that you've been through a lot of that. . .but I also know that someone else needs you right now."  
  
Remus looked up at her doubtfully, tears still streaming from his amber eyes. "Oh yeah?" he snarled sarcastically, "Who needs the pathetic werewolf who couldn't even save his best friend's life?"  
  
She looked at him with pity in her eyes and whispered, "A fifteen year old boy who's just lost the closest thing he knew to a father. . .he needs his father and mother and godfather's best friend."  
  
Remus scoffed, looking down at the freely bleeding cuts on his palms.  
  
"No one else knows what Harry's going through. Dumbledore didn't know Sirius nearly as well as you did. . . --"  
  
He laughed mirthlessly, shaking his head, looking up at her with slightly deranged eyes, "Shut up, Tonks. Just. . .shut up. You don't know what you're talking about. You have no idea what Sirius meant to me. He was my brother when my real one turned his back on me. He was my friend for years, helping me with my Potions at Hogwarts, helping me change my bandages after full moons, bloody hell, he even became an /Animagus/ for me! You don't know what I've just lost!"  
  
She nodded slowly, swallowing painfully as she got to her feet. "Just. . .think about what I said Remus. . .about Harry." she said, turning to the doorway, ready to retreat upstairs, "And I'm here. . .if you need anything." And she disappeared.  
  
Remus kneeled silently for a moment, looking down at the crimson blood slowly staining his robes at the knee. Closing his eyes and coming to a quick decision, he got swiftly and smoothly to his feet, striding over to the fire at the end of the room. With an unceremonious sniff, he dried his eyes and cheeks on the sleeve of his robe and snatched a small bag off of the mantelpiece and tossed a pinch of the powder into the fire, saying "Gryffindor Tower, Hogwarts." before stepping into the flames and swirling out of sight.  
  
There was quite the mutual yelp of surprise as the Gryffindors noticed a man step out of their fireplace, swiping soot off of his sleeve. And it took a few seconds after that for the man's identity to sink in for the majority of the students.   
  
"Professor Lupin!" quite a few voices cried excitedly, as the first and second years looked about in a confused fashion.  
  
But Remus ignored them, his eyes lighting on two people and striding toward them determinedly. "Dean, Seamus," he said when he reached them.  
  
They both grinned.   
  
"Hi, Professor!" Dean said enthusiastically.  
  
"It's bloody brilliant to see ya, Professor Lupin! We've been through absolute /hell/ in DADA this year, really wish you were teach--" Seamus started.  
  
"Sorry, boys, can't talk right now," Remus said, not looking at all sorry, "But do you know where Harry is?"  
  
"Harry?" they asked together, slightly startled.  
  
"I think he's up in the dorm." Seamus said.  
  
"Thank you." Remus said, smiling unconvincingly.  
  
"He came in about an hour ago." Seamus continued. "We tried to talk to him, but he screamed at us to leave him alone. Do /you/ know what's wrong with him?"  
  
"Yes, unfortunately, I do. . . . I'll see you later boys." Remus said, with a smile that looked like a grimace and strode off toward the spiral staircase.  
  
"Sheesh," Dean said from behind him, "Who died?" and it sent a scowl flying across his face again.  
  
When he quietly opened the dorm room door, he was met with near total darkness as the thick, crimson curtains had been pulled to block out the sun. Looking around, he noticed that the bed second to the far corner had its drapes closed, and thought it must be Harry's. . .realizing with a pang that it had been Sirius's as well.  
  
"Harry?" he asked the darkness.  
  
"Go away." came the muffled reply.  
  
"Harry, listen--"  
  
"I'm not telling you what's bothering me, go /away/!" the boy growled, his voice getting louder and obviously not recognizing the voice of the person on the other side of his bed hangings.   
  
Remus sighed slightly, a new batch of tears flowing down his cheeks. That boy had suffered so much. . . .  
  
"Harry, I wouldn't dare be here unless I knew exactly how you are feeling." he said quietly, staring lifelessly at the curtains surrounding the four poster containing his best friends' son.  
  
Harry flung them open, glaring out at whoever dared to disturb his peace. There were tear stains streaked down his face and eyes were haunted, sorrowful. "R-Remus?" he asked with a small sniff.  
  
All the werewolf could do was nod, he felt as though he couldn't speak past the lump in his throat at the sight of Harry. But suddenly, the boy's eyes hardened once again and he flung the bed curtain closed with an angry shout of, "Go away, Lupin! If it weren't for you, I could have saved him!"  
  
Remus sighed, stepping forward and gently pushing the hangings back once more, looking down at the back of Harry's head, as his face was buried in a pillow. "Harry. . .I know how you feel. . .if I hadn't needed to protect you. . .I-I would have gone after Sirius myself." He touched Harry's head tentatively, sitting down on the edge of the bed and running his hand through the boy's hair in a soothing manner.  
  
"Yeah?" Harry said through the muffling pillow, "Well, I didn't see you react at all! You just stood there! And. . .and held me b-back."  
  
"Your godfather made me promise to protect you above all else before we left. . . .We made a pact. . .th-that. . .if one of us was-was killed. . .the other would not let you out of our sight. . .to protect you. . . ." Remus choked back another sob.  
  
Harry turned over, looking up at Remus through tear-filled emerald eyes. "But. . .you couldn't have really meant it. Y-you and S-Sirius were best friends. . . ."  
  
We both knew that one of us--or both, to be frank--might be killed in this war. . .we just didn't. . .expect it so soon."  
  
"So. . .Sirius was ready to die?"  
  
"He didn't fear death, if that's what you're asking." Remus said firmly, "He feared leaving you. Leaving you without someone to take care of you."  
  
"Then w-why did he go?" Harry sobbed.  
  
"Again. . .to take care of you. He--you are the most important person in the world to him, Harry. He loved you like his own son. He would do anything for you. Including," Remus gulped, "die."  
  
Harry turned back over again, giving Remus a perfect view of his trembling back and shoulders.  
  
"Harry. . .I want you to know. . .that I would gladly take his place. I would kill myself without even thinking about it if I felt it would bring any of them back. Sirius. . .your parents. . ."  
  
"Don't say that!" Harry yelled fiercely, turning over to stare Remus straight in the eye, "You're the only one I have left! You-you. . . ." Angry tears welled once again in his eyes. "I can't lose you too. . . ."  
  
Remus looked at Harry sadly, reaching out to pull the boy into a hug, letting him sob into the shoulder of his robes. "Shh, Harry, it'll be alright. . .it's okay. . . ."  
  
Remus rested his head gently on top of Harry's, comforting him in a fatherly fashion as he cried, running his hand up and down his back gently. 'This is it.' he thought, 'This is my reason to stay alive. It's right here, the embodiment of all three put together. Lily, James, Sirius. . . .All of them are right here. Harry is their living memory. And I'll--I'll protect that memory. . .with my life if need be. . . .The memory of the Marauders will live on.'  
  
~*~*~*~   
  
THE END  
  
A/N: A little corny, I know. . .but Sirius's death just sent me into hysterics, and I needed to vent my emotions about that. Hope you liked it!!  
  
PLEASE R&R! 


	2. Once Again: A Poem

Disclamier: HP is not mine, or Abbie's... so PLEASE don't bug us!!!  
  
This poem was written by my friend Abbie (a.k.a. Prongs) after she read my story. I felt so great that I could inspire creativity that I begged her to let me post it on here... so here it is! It made me cry... break down, morelike... but then I got the immensely strange mental image of Sirius standing behind the veil with a chainsaw ready to attack it viciously, yelling insanely about Remus not saving him as James and Lily look on with frightened looks, so it kind of ruined the emotion of the moment.... -.-'  
  
BTW: I renamed it, so Abbie, don't kill me!!  
  
~*~*~*~ Once Again ~*~*~*~  
  
Once again- I lay down to die  
  
Once again- I fall to my knees and start to cry  
  
Why does everything happen to me  
  
I want to know?  
  
Why do the ones I love so dearly  
  
Leave me so?  
  
Once again- I feel as though it should have been me  
  
Once again- I feel as though I'm trapped and can't go free  
  
The walls around me close and say I am useless   
  
I feel as though I cannot live by being serious  
  
Once again- I can't catch my breath  
  
Once again- the air around me feels like death  
  
Once again- I lost my closest friend  
  
Once again- I cannot see the end.  
  
~*~*~*~ 


End file.
